WE ARE HAPPY HERE.

We are happy here. There are some very difficult moments, which tend to be connected to work.. but life in Malawi is all that I expected it to be and more. There is an underlying British feeling from those not so distant colonial days and although any show of superiorism on our part is totally unacceptable to me it does make me feel there is something familiar here, something I understand and in general feel liked and accepted.

Lucas has settled well into the European school. The system is very different from Spain but it seems to suit him well. For the first time in his life he actually enjoys reading. He has made many friends and will go anywhere, with anyone.....especially if they have a treehouse in their garden!

Last week I received a mail from wonderful couple who I had accompanied throughout their whole pregnancy. Monthly antenatal visits, then weekly ante natal classes . One day they arrived at the hospital where I was working in Spain ... just one week past the due date ...just for a check up...I could not hear the baby's heartbeat. Their little girl had died before she had been born. Such a heart breaking moment, such pain, tears, questions, such loss. Loss of a child, loss of a dream, loss of a future with that little one.How to explain with no explanation.
They still have that pain, they still feel that loss....I still feel sad.

Babies are dying daily at Bwaila. I am attending births and deaths. I can't even remember the face or the name of every mother who has lost her baby during my short time here. Does she grieve less? Is her pain any less? Does she really accept that loss more easily than my European mums ? Is that baby really less precious because it was born at Bwaila? I think not.... Babies that are born prem, babies from mothers that have not had adequate care. Babies that would have lived if they had been born in Spain , in UK, in the developed world. Just to be born in Malawi means you only have a chance if things go well if you're in the right place. Bwaila hospital is the referral hospital for the poorest of the community, Bwaila is the right place in Lilongwe, in this part of Malawi, but weak, prem,distressed, uncared for babies, have little chance.

Without entering into all the details.. on Tuesday a very young mother lost her baby due to birth asphyxia. One hour later I heard the most awful wailing as another mother, having left her baby on the bed whilst showering, returned to find her baby gone..disappeared! The child was found ..she had been taken by the one whose baby had died. The police ,the recriminations, such a terrible thing to do... BUT maybe in her desperate grief she looked for another to love, to care for, her mind was confused with grief, she did a terrible thing to steal anothers child BUT where is the counselling, the psycological help, the understanding? For her just a police cell only 2 hours after loosing her first child.

My 28 week prem died 5 days later. I thought it was too good to be true. No neonatal unit to help him on his way, just a mum sitting on the floor of the nursery manually expressing her milk and dripping it into his open mouth as he got weaker and weaker. A few..very few.. caring nurses ...no neonatologists....who with no equipment and little materiales, could only stand by helplessly and watch. I call into the nursery every day to see how the babies that I have sent are getting on. Some days the news is good, they have been discharged home. At least for now . Other days I find out that the little one has not survived . It makes me sad. I dont want to "get used" to this. This is not acceptable.

But all is not sad, all is not terrible, maybe you just need to bear with me for a few weeks untill this need I have to talk about these injusticies, to make you all realize what is going on, is not so strong.....or maybe I should never loose that need? Maybe I don't want to loose it? Because that would mean I accept it and I will never accept this.

Today I looked after a young mum ..they are nearly all young...first baby. It was a lovely birth she was so happy she smiled , she thanked me .. " zicomo, zicomo kwambiri" she so loved her baby and she showed it.
It is unusual for the mothers show their emotions when they receive their babies , so when it happens it is really rather special. I also "caught" two more babies. It is not unusual to turn round from the woman you are attending to see a baby's head emerging in the bed opposite! Just a quick change of gloves and another little one is born.

Iwas able to bring a number of nurses/doctors uniforms and white coats from Spain that had been donated to me . I am now well sought after as staff arrive from all over the hospital to be fitted.
Unfortunately there are many rather portly midwives ..I call them "GRAND LADIES" who just dont fit in . I am actually trying to give only to the labour ward midwives in the hope that a pair of trousers will enable to get down to the woman's level even if it is on the floor and attend vertical birth....but that might take a little more time yet!!!!