The birth of my dream

It probably all started one cold rainy Saturday afternoon in November. I was 14 years old dressed up as a sugar princess acompanied by one cold soggy sugar cube.The white painted cardboard box kind who actually later turned out to be the man I married and the father of my eldest three children.

We were marching down the high street of my home town on the south coast of England. If I remember rightly it had something to do with the injustice of buying beet instead of cane sugar and thus reducing the posibility of third world exports to Europe.

It was my first introduction to OXFAM the plight of the worlds poor, especially of the African countries. However I must admit my childhood had been full of prayers for missionaries, so I had probably always been aware and my dreams of working in Africa much more deep rooted than my conscious memory allows.

But life has a habit of taking you where it wants, leads you in all sorts of expected and unexpected directions until years later here I am in the throes of taking that big step to realize my dream. My dream of Africa.

VSO was the fashion as I finished my school education, I remember dicussing this but as I already had a place to do my nursing training... This was not the moment.

I finished my training, got married and followed my husbands career opportunities round various parts of England... This was not the moment.

The opportunity to train as a midwife came my way, it seemed a good idea and a good time. I was already begining to feel that strong overwhelming desire to hold my own child in my arms, it was all I needed to take the step into motherhood... This was not the moment.

At 25 I gave birth to the eldest of my four children, Catriona followed shortly by Alasdair. Family life was good, I still did a small amount of nursing... This was not the moment.

My husbands career took the family to Spain. It was new and exciting. Bringing up 2 small children the demands of a new country... This was definitely not the moment.

Then Fiona came along, I loved being a mum, its what I do best. There were many changes and new challenges with a new business in a foriegn country... This was not the moment.

In 1993 our marriage ended. Three school age children, on my own after many years, no career prospects, I took a job in a bar, a little English teaching and tried to sort things out. My children were and will always be the most important thing in my life... This was not the moment.

But life has been good to me and luck, destiny, call it what you like, led me to Acuario. The only natural childbirth clinic in Spain. And there I started to grow. Professionally and personally, hungrily grabbing at all opportunities. I had found a base, a security... a home... from where I could search,experiment, achieve, learn, teach, laugh, cry, where I could find the true me...This was not the moment.

Without reason nor thought I fell in love and soon came little Lucas. The child of my age and experience but also the over riding maternal instinct that has no base in the conscious nor the rational that makes me now feel complete as a mother... This was not the moment.

My only credentials for being asked to work as a midwife in Acuario was the fact that I had birthed 3 children totally naturally. Homebirths by choice, by instinct, not intellect. No great philosophy of love and security for the newborn nor respect for the choice of women. No understanding of the empowerment for mothers nor the importance of bonding at birth. I birthed that way because it felt right and no more.That came later.

Its now 14 years since I returned to midwifery. 14 years learning from and with women. Hundreds of births, not one the same. Caring and sharing their happiness mostly and sometimes their sorrows.

Home births, waterbirths, vertical birth, traditional (lying down) birth. Surgical birth (cesarean section), assisted births, epidurals. Births in cars, by telephone, under pine trees. Difficult births, easy births, night and day, sometimes with tiredness, sometimes with energy but always with love. With the best of me the most I could give... sometimes enough and sometimes not enough.

In 2001 I met Dr Tarek Meguid. Fresh from Africa he came to work with us at Acuario. I was fascinated by him by his experience and his way of looking at the world at his work. He managed to put into words so much of what I felt but had been unable to explain. So it suddenly all became clearer to me. I think I knew then that somehow he would be my way to Africa, though I still didn't know how and after all I had a new baby... This was not the moment.

Tarek stayed with us for a few years untill the call of Africa was too much for him and he left to take up his post in Malawi. It was with great sadness that I said goodbye to him. He was a good friend and a great professional. Working together had been a fusion of like minds and mutual respect. Now I had my pathway to Africa or at least a doorway, the path was yet to come... This was not the moment.

Catriona (26) left for England to study when she was 18. She has never come back to live in Spain. England is her home, there she has found her place professionally using her unbelievable talent with languages and there she has found a man to love and who loves her. I miss her a lot, she is my daughter and my friend. Strong in her views, she is worth listening to.

Alasdair (24) who is at uni studying to be a vet, moved away from home into his own flat 2 years ago. He lives close by and we see each other often. He is a kind, sensitive man, a great support to me in every way including with his little brother... who adores him.

Fiona, now 18, has just started her 2nd year of child care studies in England close to her sister. The first year has been hard for her away from home but I can see the change, the new maturity that comes at this age. She is passing beautifully into being a woman and I am proud of her.

Lucas is 6 years old. Independant, lively, sociable he has already proved able to adapt to any situation that presents. Although his father and I do not live together he plays an important and active role in his life. He always tries to see what would be best for Lucas and put his interests first.

COULD NOW BE THE MOMENT ??